time passed
and with it the changing winds
whispering far away
to go on towards the horizon
to return one day

now, clouds have retreated
and the sun goes
into more frequent hiding
taking its warmth away
such bittersweet tidings

but if i close my eyes
as the snow's warmth
takes my soul more and more often
to escape these soaked lips
in numerous sighs

i can feel the wind return to me
and the sun shining bright
the warmth wrapped tightly around me
holding me close
and everything
went right

and i open
to refrain
from chasing after
the warmth
wanes
and the cold
returns
to its recognized place.

LONG WEEKEND PLANS.

Thursday: Staying afterschool to work on Soojee's card & and planning stuff. Going downtown to borrow a dress from my sister for the Winter Formal. Then out for dinner. Yay!

Friday: Hanging out with Mariko and Nicole, possibly?

Saturday: Chinese school. Volunteering? Kelsie's birthday party.

Sunday: Soojee's surprise party...


and to think, I still haven't bought any presents.

Well. Things happened, I'll admit that much. I remember buying that Xmas present, and wondering a couple months ago, if it'd be worth it to give it still, or to just keep it. I think, I'm going to have to end up keeping it.

If only people took chances... I think that we'd be able to make our own movie-like ending. Nah, but then, reality is cruel.

In my own little fantasy - mind you, a huge chunk of it is gone, but I don't care whether anyone believes it or not anymore - in my own little fantasy, I like to believe that if he listened, and if I was more convincing, it would've worked out. All the hardships, yeah... I saw those too. But, what better to make your day to just be able to talk and BE with the person? Maybe it wasn't enough for him, but for me, it was more than enough...

Though, things change and whatever - I'm living with it.

I'm living with a lot of things, actually.

Anyways.
Xmas list...

+ MAC eyeliner
+ a pair of jeans
+ a winter jacket
+ winter gloves (so i can play in snow =3)
+ Something stupid, that absolutely nobody could buy, and that I'll never get and I'm pretty sure is next to impossible. If anybody did get me this... they would never need to get me anything, ever, again, providing it lasts...
+ an asian lead pencil (i need one o_o)

I think that once I get this website going,
I am going to put my blog on a private section somehow.

www.postsecret.blogspot.com was amazing!
I think I'm going to post my secret up... (though its no secret to others)
I think I want to get a book... all the postcards are interesting.

Yesterday's horoscope (Oct 15)
Your emotions may surprise you, dear Taurus. You may experience a breakthrough when you focus on the true cause of your feelings. Let down your defenses and expose your sensitive side to the light. Like a fair-skinned child on the beach on the first day of summer, you will need to wear sunscreen at first, but as your body acclimates, your skin will toughen up. You will be able to expose your sensitive nature without having to put up walls that don't allow the sunlight to get through.

In all due respect, that's fucking scary. Especially after what I just told Jlynn. Or am is apart of me just trying to make myself believe what I don't want to? It's not suppose to be there and never was and I hope you're not right Jlynn. I don't even know what I want, because a part of me is so strong on believing that nothing will happen and nothing CAN happen, because nothing is starting to begin with. Or is it? >_<

I still really miss Paul like crazy.
I think a part of me wishes that, he could see my blog... and read every single post that's about him (which is almost all of them)...
and if he saw every single post,
I wonder if he's been missing me as much.
I miss him.

durrr.
I guess right now, my mood would be that I'm kind of sad. Not upset anymore, not like how I was mad for a week and a half last week at him, and for everything else that contributed to it. I don't really know why I'm sad. I guess it's because I'm getting use to not having such comfort... such a luxurious freindship anymore.

Ironic. I keep thinking about that today. Before, I was lucky, on how we'd see each other at the right times in the hallway, so we'd talk... And usually everday, we'd talk at least once a day, for more than five minutes. Now, I have to settle for five seconds, and everyday if I'm lucky. What the fuck happened? I'm still letting myself be attached yet I go absolutely nuts if I don't talk to him, by pointing fingers at everything and me and sometimes him.

There's a pit in my stomach and all I can do is hold on to Pemmican. And I wonder if he's just making me feel worse by subconsiously reminding me of the past... of if he's making me feel better somehow, by comforting me, with the remains of what HE used to be. Look at me, I'm talking about Pemmican as if it acutally had a gender.

I don't want to give in but I have to if I ever want to move on, I don't want to accept things, but I have to, because it's right in front of me, and I want to change things, but I can't because everything's shifting in the opposite motion.

I want to like someone again, but I don't think I can and I don't want to. I'm not ready to get over it, yet I'm not ready to get over it.

I get so jealous, over stupid things that even part of me think is stupid.


++

A good thing that happened today: No longer bothered for FP btw, so I better enjoy this week. It was nice to be proved wrong by 56, and when he smiled at me, I knew that 100% of it was genuine. Nice change from swearing at each other and him jokingly threatening to kill me (no but it sounds 100% sarcastic rotf, :| sounds crazy typing it) And I wondered, wow, that's amazing. I wondered, and I pushed out other thoughts I can't, and shouldn't have. A part of me wondered why. But that's just how it is. Cause those four reasons why I can't, stand by it. It's not suppose to be anything more. It shouldn't even BE what it is.

Stop it >_>!

I think I'm going insane.

So, I guess I should update, before Jess totally neglects coming =).

I've been finishing all my math homework ^^'. I got 46/50 on my bio test. I got 5/8 on my math logs quiz ^^! Even though that's a 63%, I'm happy because usually I fail or get borderline :D! And the quizzes are usually bitches too... I got a Physics project due this friday. I hope this week goes well. Info tech project due Friday! D: Gahurk. Hope I finish it, and finish it WELL and PERFECT.

Sometimes I miss you a lot and I'm completely torn apart, but sometimes I'm over it, and I'm a little happy inside. Both times, I wonder if you do too though. I guess it's partially my fault, but I will try and keep talking to you; because ... if I can make myself believe everything's normal, then WE can get back to being normal... I'd like that. I miss you. I miss you a lot. You meant the world to me.

Just some random wishlistin'
+ Dark brown MAC eyeliner ($16) - homg it doesn't SMUDGE!!
+ striped leg warmers (cut out long socks) - to keep my footsies warm in the winter
+ New favourite songs ($not supposed to be free :P)
+ A new sweater ($20+)- you can never have enough
+ A new pair of jeans ($20) - cause I only have like two pairs lol.

Labels: wishlist

Argh, I'm so pissed at myself.

I'm very capable of doing all these math questions, in fact, it shouldn't even be that hard. Why can't I never finish all my homework in one go? Why can't I, for once, be the smart one in the class? Why can't I be be the one who's able to tackle EVERY question?? And why is it that, when I try so hard, and work so long, that I still can't achieve this?

The Physic workbooks (snapbooks) are absolutely pieces of crap. It's cheap and such a ripoff: there's only answers for every odd question, sometimes the answers are WRONG, the paper is cheap, the ink erases off, weird to write on. Rrr..

Besides that, my heart's racing and my pulse is going crazy. I need sleep. I need to sleep for a long time. My sleep is out of whack, I can't even last on FIVE hours of sleep (my usual), probably due to a weird summer. I'm totally burnt out.

And to think, next semester is even MORE overwhelming. They totally fucked up my schedule. Arrr.

If you were here right now, you'd tell me to just take a yoga breath, calm down, it's managable, that not everybody is a natural genius, and that I just take a little more work with, that I just need a hug, and I can do it because I'm a crazy asian chick (okay maybe I'd say that). It always sounded better coming from you, though.

Everything's going wrong, out of place, too fast, too stressful, and too hard to catch up with, and I don't know what to do but to break down and cry but who's going to pick me up now that you're gone?
I need you more than ever.